Monday, October 15, 2001

I do not accept rejection well. In any form. Even perceived rejection sends me into depression. Maybe that is why I don't really pursue writing except where no one will really see it.

Clare had fun on her camping trip. Andrew had a good time with ViJay.

I had several dreams last night. Could not sleep that well for some reason. Went to bed late, then awoke with every noise and each time Dean turned over. Slept too late then.

I have basically stopped drinking. We did go out for dinner on Saturday and I had two small glasses of red wine, but that has been it for over a week. I miss it less than I thought I would. Part of my decision is because of Dad. I see what alcohol has done to him. And it is partly due to knowing that I get more done without having wine when I get home from work. Strangely, I feel headachy and just as "hung over" when I get up in the morning after no wine as I did when I was drinking. Maybe it will go away after a while.

Dad. I really don't think I have come to terms with that. I guess, out of sight, out of mind. I also think that I don't know how to process a lot these days. I am glad, in a way, that I taught myself how to push things out of my mind. Trouble is, when they come back in my mind, it is like the first time. I mean, like the whole situation hits me in the gut every morning when I wake up. I wake up having forgotten what occured, then seconds or even minutes go by before I remember.

Dean doesn't seem at all worried. But he is like that often. Except he does worry over things that I don't worry about, like the kids' grades and abilities. From potty training to reading to math, Dean has agonized over Clare. Not me. I guess my expectations were always more realistic.

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