Monday, October 15, 2001

I do not accept rejection well. In any form. Even perceived rejection sends me into depression. Maybe that is why I don't really pursue writing except where no one will really see it.

Clare had fun on her camping trip. Andrew had a good time with ViJay.

I had several dreams last night. Could not sleep that well for some reason. Went to bed late, then awoke with every noise and each time Dean turned over. Slept too late then.

I have basically stopped drinking. We did go out for dinner on Saturday and I had two small glasses of red wine, but that has been it for over a week. I miss it less than I thought I would. Part of my decision is because of Dad. I see what alcohol has done to him. And it is partly due to knowing that I get more done without having wine when I get home from work. Strangely, I feel headachy and just as "hung over" when I get up in the morning after no wine as I did when I was drinking. Maybe it will go away after a while.

Dad. I really don't think I have come to terms with that. I guess, out of sight, out of mind. I also think that I don't know how to process a lot these days. I am glad, in a way, that I taught myself how to push things out of my mind. Trouble is, when they come back in my mind, it is like the first time. I mean, like the whole situation hits me in the gut every morning when I wake up. I wake up having forgotten what occured, then seconds or even minutes go by before I remember.

Dean doesn't seem at all worried. But he is like that often. Except he does worry over things that I don't worry about, like the kids' grades and abilities. From potty training to reading to math, Dean has agonized over Clare. Not me. I guess my expectations were always more realistic.

Friday, October 12, 2001

Friday. Clare is off on a camping trip. The FBI has warned of more terrorist attack in the next few days. Will the commute home be as bad this week as last? I am really not being very productive today.

ViJay spends the night tonight. His mom is worried he will want to go home in the middle of the night. I am afraid I will want him to go home early in the evening. Andrew is delighted though.

Next Thursday I will have an article published online. Kinda cool. I can't see that it is all that good, but two people say it is. I guess I could believe them.

Joan IMed me today. Seems she lost her babysitter. Asked me if I liked my job.

Wednesday, October 10, 2001

Damn. Just had a few paragraphs down and made the mistake of multi-tasking. Clicked on a link and lost my words.

Doesn't matter. It was all about 911, and since I won't forget it soon, no loss.

Sandy is sending Alexa back to Chile with Arieh. She says that Alexa is scared. I said that she was lucky to have that option, to send her child out of harm's way. She said that she, herself, was scared. I said that so were many of us, but we didn't talk about it as much.

Beth drew all over the Dan Bern poster I gave her. Ears, funny hat and moustache. It pissed me off.

Things piss me off a lot these days. Easily too.

My father has dementia. I looked it up. There are several forms of it, one of which is Alzhimers. It could be from the alcohol, I suppose. He was on Librium for a while, now he is on Paxil. I need to talk to the neurologist about his condition. Mom doesn't always listen well enough for my taste. I may have different questions. Some of the things he has done recently are:

  • took a bite out of Ginny's bar-b-que, put it back on her plate, all with a sneaky grin. After she switched sandwiches with him, he left the table, taking his sandwich and throwing it away

  • walked upstairs to the kitchen asking my mother where her daughter was (that would be me). When she said I was in Maryland, he asked what I was doing there. When he was told I lived there, he said that I wasted my money on the razor. I didn't buy him a razor.

  • He used to be full of things to tell me when I called. Now he doesn't say much. Just a few words, and then silence. I have to do all the talking.

I have some fun things coming up, work wise. Fun but scary. First I am going to a usability conference in DC for three days. Neilsen/Norman group. Caliber is picking up the hefty tab. Then in November I present at the annual Headstart Technology conference. I will be discussing web site design and accessibility issues. I will be presenting the same topic to David Peal's ETL class at GW the weekend before the conference.

Oh, Beth got me to write an article for Federal Computer Week Online about PDF and accessilibity. She said it was good, but anyone who would deface a Dan Bern poster is not to be trusted.

On the subject of Dan Bern...his new CD came out yesterday. I was supposed to take posters around to record stores and stuff like that...I have been lax in my duties. He will be in the area a few times this fall. I am planning seeing him 4 times. Seems he may be getting some air play too. We are supposed to call radio stations and request his music. That I can do.

Ok, better get back to work.